Yep, it's me again....

I wrote this a few weeks ago. Then, I could not remember my settings on this blog. Then I got busy at work. Then the week of Thanksgiving was here. Then it is count down to Christmas. Etc. Etc. Etc. And if you know me, really know me - then you know what happened was I got way too busy at work and let my life stop again. See, I have had this problem since Rebecca was diagnosed in August of 2011. It is not an excuse, it is how my life changed on that day. And I working on it. So, there will be more of that later but for now, I am going to share what I originally planned for my comeback, such as it is. I will become more frequent in my posts and they will go back to that 9 months that has changed me forever and they will also move to a glittery future and they will be in the present too. I hope you will come along!

I haven’t written anything is many, many months. I couldn’t find the “energy” to do it. A lot of time has passed and there have been some great things and some not so great things. And through it all, I would think – I should write. But I didn’t have the “energy”. My child, my precious Rebecca died on May 7, 2012 and things stopped. Nothing tasted the same, smelled the same, felt the same, nothing was the same.

I don’t know where the “energy” came from today or maybe I do. It is funny, the one thing that should have knocked me to my knees made me stand up straight. Without going into detail, I was disappointed once again. That it all seemed to be targeted at me but also saddened that someone I love was in despair. That is quandary I have trouble with; this “how did this end up in my lap when I did NOTHING wrong?”

I doubt I will ever find the real answer but I did have one really good attempt from a member of my family. I am a “fixer” and that is my problem. No matter what someone does to me or someone I love, then I gotta go fix it. And the reality is that some things cannot be fixed! They just can’t.

People have to fix themselves. We can’t fix them, they have to do the work. So I need to let it go and move on to where I can be useful. And now that I have written this, now that I have thought this whole “fixer” thing through, I got my energy back. This might not be pretty all the time and it probably won’t help anyone as much as it will help me – but here it comes! I hope you’ll jump on this ride with me. And eventually, I hope to catch you up and inspire you just a little along the way.

WOW! What a day it was!! First, let me tell you that Rebecca did awesome! We were there for five hours which included a liter of saline, a bag with a steroid and anti-nausea meds, a bag with Benadryl and anti-nausea meds, a bag of the "C" , a bag of the "V", and another liter of saline. She did great, tolerated everything and ate every vegan snack she took with her. Dr. Amin made rounds and was amazed at her energy level although we both think the steroids helped! It is true what Jennifer mentioned earlier, if you want to get a perspective on what is truly important - visit an infusion room for a few hours. Those folks are happy to be there, to be alive! And there is no negative allowed - you can tell from their faces. We really can learn from the brave folks the true meaning of living. I am going to make a conscious effort to stop complaining about insignificant things and celebrate the glory of living! I am probably not going to post again until we are finished, we have two more days at CMC, but if this is what it takes to get through this, then this is what we do! Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers, we feel them each and every one! Please keep them coming  and God bless each of you. 

~Jan~

It has been four days since we got the news at Blumenthall Cancer Center. The day started out like all the days we get in the car and drive for scans, we are nervous and quiet. Rebecca was the first back for her CT scan, she had to drink her "cocktail" for imaging, but she did it. First the CT, then the brain MRI. Then, we head up to the 6th floor for RESULTS! I am not sure how there was room for anything in that elevator on the way, because I know that God was right there with us as we prayed. And can I just say that you could never ask for better people at Blumenthall - they love every single patient that walks in that door and it is evident in their voice and the look in their eyes! The silence between me, Rebecca, and Michael is deafening. No one is talking, we are just waiting for her name. Yet, when they call it out - we don't want to go. 

Once we are in the room, we wait and wait and wait some more. Again, except for orders from Rebecca that no crying is allowed, there is no noise. I think I knew before we even got in the car to come what is going to happen in a few minutes. And when it does, I hold my breath and I feel every bit of hope physically leave my body. But, I don't cry because I promised I wouldn't. And I have to be strong for my baby girl. What happens is, first a nurse we don't know comes in, along with Rebecca's regular nurse, then Denise, Dr. Amin's right hand, and Dr. Amin himself. Dr. Amin never comes unless there is something to tell and we can tell that it is not what we want to hear. The tumors have continued to grow, there are new ones in the brain, there is a new one near the small bowel, and another near where her right ovary used to be. NO - I just want to scream it but I don't. 

So I get out the iPod and begin to take notes. I know that they will give us all of this information in print form but this mother needs something to do. So we listen to what we will do next. No surgery now, she is not having symptoms. No radiation in the brain, she has had all she can have right now. And no waiting to see if the ipi does its job eventually. (Normally, after the four rounds of ipi, patients wait around 8 - 12 weeks to see if it is working). Rebecca's doctor does not want to wait, he wants to do chemo now. So we are going to have a port put in and start chemo and it is aggressive and it will probably make her sick and ... wait for it ... her hair is going to fall out. That makes us all smile because my child has a beautiful bald head now, well except for a few wisps that blow in the wind. And all of this is going to happen soon - like in four days. And all I can do is continue to breath, watch her, and pray that I don't question God. 

Rebecca is going vegan and she is starting on Monday. She bought more kale than I know what to do with, along with other organic fruits and vegetables. She is ready! So, today Rebecca and Jennifer woke up at 5:00am and went to Blumenthall to have the port put in. Jennifer managed to deal with sitting in a chair in the cold room for 6 hours while Rebecca slept during the procedure. Then, after I ran around collecting things Rebecca might need during and after chemo ( like a bucket and a word search book) I helped peel, wash, chop, dice, and package all of the produce. She has her green smoothie mix in a bag, ready to dump in her juicer. And she has her snacks packed for Blumenthall. I will get all of the graham crackers tomorrow. And tomorrow, we do what has been in the back of our minds since we began - chemo. We are dreading it and I am so afraid of how it is going to make her feel. Will her food taste bad? Will she be able to eat? Will her counts drop too much? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

This is a lot to process for us. Rebecca is tired but positive. Jennifer is angry and sad. And I am angry, sad, heartbroken, and wishing I could do this instead of her. But, there is good literature that says vegan will bring  great results so I will support her. And Jennifer has done her research which she shares with us. And we trust her doctors are doing what needs to be done. I am supporting her 100% in all of her decisions. And I will continue that irregardless of what others might think. It is very easy to judge from the outside looking in. And yes, we have had some who do not agree with our choices. We don't get info out quick enough, we don't call enough, we don't just "get over it and deal with it" and the best one, we don't realize how serious this is. Well let me tell you all, we most definitely get how serious this is and that is why we do it the way Rebecca wants. If you want to know something, just ask. If you'd like to talk to Rebecca, call. But please remember and respect her enough to know that some days, we just don't want to talk about melanoma. Rebecca is fighting with all she has and she is positive about everything! Please respect her right to do that. 

Thank you for all of the prayers, the well wishes, the monetary help you've given. Rebecca and Michael appreciate the support so much. We all do and we depend on that spiritual support you send to us through your prayers. Please call on all of your prayer warriors to pray for Rebecca tomorrow as she goes into one of the toughest parts of treat thus far. Chemo is no walk in the park but we are gonna do what we have to do! Thank you and God bless you all. Please feel free to share with everyone - Rebecca can never have too many praying for her. 

~Jan~

First let me state for the record that I am not the least bit jealous that Jennifer's blog is so good!! LOL If you know us three, you understand that comment, if you don't, rest assured it is tongue in cheek. 


Now, I want to say that I have been writing boring posts with "just the facts" for a couple of reasons. (Yes, my children pointed out that they were BORING) First, I wasn't sure Rebecca was really ready for me to put it all out there. Second, and maybe this should be first, I wasn't sure I was ready to put it all out there. This is the hardest thing I believe I have ever faced in my life. And I am afraid constantly that it will get harder! And I go to work every day and I smile, deal with kids and teachers, and then I go home and sink into my couch and I don't smile. 


I am not going to write a long piece tonight, but I will say that I am ready to put it all out there. I don't know what that will look like but it is going to be real, at the very least. We have a big day tomorrow and NO one wants to see the Charlotte skyline tomorrow but we have no choice. I am prepared, the best I can be but I am also scared and heart broken that one of my precious girls has to go through this. I am also heart broken that my other precious girl has to stay home, work and wait. 


We know that God's plan for Rebecca is written. We know He is in control and we have to let him be in control, whether the mama in me likes it or not. So for now, we are asking for all prayers from all of our prayer warriors. And good or bad, a post will be done as soon as I can; to update you all. Thank you for carrying us through this journey. We didn't want to take it but we are happy you are here with us. 


Jeremiah 29:11     ~Jan~

Ok, so let’s go back to the end of July 2011. I’m visiting from Jacksonville and Barron Estates is having a neighborhood yard sale. Becca is in her 3^rd month of dieting/exercising (around 60 pounds down at this point). We decide to walk the neighborhood and shop at the same time, kill two birds with one stone if you will. Bad idea, we ended up with about 25 pounds of crap by the time we made it back and it was nearly 105 degrees. But back to the story, Becca is telling me that when she exercises her armpit hurts. The armpit that had lymph nodes removed back in 2008. We talked about how it was probably scar tissue but that she would get it checked out just in case. Boy, we didn’t know things were about to change. The end of August came and the biopsy showed what we were denying… Melanoma… AGAIN.  So surgery was scheduled for the week after Labor Day. We (me and CJ) spent the weekend before visiting again, celebrating the college football kick off and listening to a very old man talk about how sugar feeds cancer (a precursor maybe). Surgery went well and I left glitter flowers for delivery ;). The prior PET scan showed two hot spots (ovary and armpit) and now one was gone. Another doctor decides that the ovary has to go too just to be sure. Surgery is set for mid October, this one is my duty. It was probably the longest and most draining day of my life. The doctor meets with us after hours of waiting and talking to an old couple, the news is bad. The ovary was full of Melanoma. Melanoma- I’m really despising you at this point. Back to the couple, they weren’t a couple as in married, they were friends waiting on the man’s wife (she was having a tumor removed also) but the cute thing about them was that they entertained me most of the day with gossip and probably 200 snacks. Leave it up to the grandma to come prepared, I really enjoyed getting to know them. So the rest of the day we wait for Becca to get to recovery. Michael and I begged the receptionist to send word that we wanted to tell her so she wouldn’t have to sit alone after she found out the news. I really wish that some of these very vivid memories would fade by the way. Finally after several more hours we go back to see Becca. The first words out of her mouth are “I’m sorry I keep having Melanoma.” We give her a pep talk and hours later get to go home, Cancer free at this point. Oh and Michael promised that night, that the can of dip he had would be the last, I heard it with my own ears, 5 ½ months later, he is still dipping (yep, I’m putting him on blast so that maybe he will make good on his promise J). That night was pretty comical. The day before surgery Becca had to be on a liquid diet. We made it fun by eating Japanese miso soup and Rita’s for lunch and Olive Garden soup broth for dinner, but when we got home Becca was starving; she ate everything and then some. We still laugh about what her face looked like when her stomach started filling up, I can imagine it was painful, but reminiscing about it is hysterical. 6 weeks and a month of Interferon go by, now it was time for the initial 3 month scan. Tuesday, melanoma in 5 spots in the body, Thursday melanoma in the brain. Again I wish the details of these moments and conversations would go away. I don’t want to remember the sad stuff. So our fight continued through December and 15 days of brain radiation. Two weeks into radiation Becca’s hair starts to hurt so Brooke (our fab stylist) comes in after hours to cut it very short. One week later, the day after Christmas we headed to a local barber shop for a buzzed Mohawk. The hair had become a “nuisance.” Radiation finishes, Becca gets to ring the bell to signify completed treatment, and the staff gives her an award, great day. Three weeks later (2 days after I moved home), Becca has a seizure. The evening of my first day at the new job is spent waiting for news at CMC. More specific brain radiation is the next step and countless pills for various things. During January until now she has also been doing Ipilimumab infusions. I had the pleasure of accompanying her to one of these treatments. The chemo and transfusion room is something everyone should experience. The room is full of “sick” people but they all have such a glow about them. Just seeing them will make you appreciate everything you have been given. Another great moment that is memorable for me was when Becca’s nurse came to tell us her labs were good. We gave a high five to each other and another supporter that I could see over Becca’s shoulder looked over to us and smiled. I think he was feeling that sense of appreciation I just told you about, however later on he read to his wife, out of a gigantic cancer book, several negative things about cancer, poor lady. I bet he tells her facts all day long. :P Now here we are, at the end of March, several surgeries, treatment, bad days, and good days later. Our story isn’t over yet, stay tuned for more. J

The dirty details: We LOVE glitter. I have many sympathy symptoms and it’s crazy. We laugh at people’s reactions and make jokes about Becca’s 6 hairs (ok, there are probably 20…jk). So many people have surprised us in both positive and negative ways. Believe it or not relationships have been severed because of the change in priorities. I’m the family researcher, so when Mom or Becca has a question about something Melanoma related I look it up (there is a lot of negative and unrelated information on the web). Our faith is stronger than ever. You are all important to us. And please wear sunscreen!!

<3 Jen

I would like to share a snippet of our life with you. I am hoping this will put a smile on your heart. As you know, Rebecca had beautiful red hair that went to the middle of her back. Radiation makes your hair hurt and then it falls out, so now she has a beautiful head with wisps of red hair growing back. She says occasionally that she misses her hair but she stands up straight, she smiles that gorgeous smile, and goes about her day with a positive outlook. Yesterday, Jennifer and I stopped by to see her for minute. Rebecca came out to Jennifer's car to chat and the most amazing thing happened. She felt the wind moving her hair. Now that was a precious moment! Isn't this what it is all about, a simple thing like the wind blowing through your hair.  

Big thanks to all who donated and showed up at the benefit rummage sale for Rebecca. A special thanks to Howard, Missy, and Banks - we could not have done it without you. Special thanks to Nita, the best neighbor anyone could have - you helped more than you know. And to Aunty Lou Lou - you already know!! Everyone who bought, who donated, who contributed, it is so very much appreciated and it humbles all of us, but especially Rebecca. She is in constant amazement at how loved she is. 

Well, this is the week. Rebecca will go on Thursday to have MRI and CAT scans. We are asking for all our prayer warriors to pray for her. We are going into this with our eyes wide open but we are faithful that God's hands are laid on her and we know his love surrounds her. It is going to be a rough week for me, I would be lying if I said otherwise. I have no problem being strong and doing what needs to be done for both of my girls, but this knocks me to my knees and leaves me breathless sometimes. This week is sure to hold that along with tears and fear. Jeremiah 29:11 is my go to verse and I will recite it many times this week for sure. That being said, this is going to be rough for Rebecca and Michael, for Jennifer and CJ - for our family. Please while you are praying for Rebecca if you could whisper a little one for the rest of my peeps, I would be grateful. Thank you, thank you, thank you! God bless each of you. 

~Jan~

I am sorry I am just posting after Rebecca's last infusion. She did great, blood work looked good and we are praying fervently that the "ipi" is fighting hard to do its job against those melanoma cells. She will go in on the 29th for the first scan since we started the ipi and we appreciate your continued prayers. We will meet with the doctor at approximately 10:45 for the report from the scans. I promise to update as quickly as I can.


My sister Mary Lou is sponsoring a rummage sale with a lot of help from her friends. The money and donations raised will go toward helping Rebecca with her medical expenses. We are thankful to all everyone who is helping with this. It will be on March 24th. My FB page has the details. 


As I close I am going to ask each of you to do us a favor. Please do not leave home naked, wear sunscreen! It is an important part of prevention against Melanoma. Thank you and God bless each of you for your continued support of Rebecca and our family. 


Love, Jan